Author Archives: Aukelien van Abbema

Last night my husband and I watched Shrek, again. I think we’ve seen it every year since we’re together and we both have seen it a few more times before. So let’s say it was the seventh time I’ve seen it but again I sang the opening song loudly, and again I laughed at Shrek’s ‘Ogres are like onions. Onions have layers, you know’. And at Donkey’s famous words ‘I think I need a hug…’ And again I awed over the final love declaration in the end. But it isn’t your regular Hollywood happily ever after romcom.

Last month I wrote about the Old Testament and so-called ‘biblical dating’. My conclusions were several: God will lead the process and you have the responsibility to make your own decisions. God will bring suitable people on your path, and you have to walk the path yourself and can’t stay at home hoping and waiting to meet someone.

Biblical dating doesn’t exist. Dating is something you do or not do, but it’s not a holy activity. It can be done in a biblical way in and of itself of course, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it ‘biblical dating’ because that implies it’s something more than just meeting someone.

‘So how did you find them?’, people ask me when I tell them I had 60 dates in 2 years. ‘How did you find all those fine, potential partners?’ The answer: I didn’t. When you search for a perfect potential partner, you will end up finding no one because basically, that’s the wrong place to start.

‘If you want to go fast travel alone, if you want to go far, travel together’ the saying goes. Most of us have a tendency to do dating alone. It often surprises me how few people know about a date someone is having. It’s as if people are ashamed to share the fact that they are dating. ‘But I don’t want my friends to expect me to be engaged next week!’ a client of mine answered when I asked her why she didn’t tell anyone.

‘Oh, but you just have to know yourself and love yourself, and all the rest flows from there’, a friend told me when I explained the Dating course I was developing to her. Just work on your own wellbeing and you will find love. Society tells us to ‘be authentic’, it screams, ‘just be yourself, and all will be well’. But it isn’t, is it? And being authentic is dangerous ground to be on, because it so often borders on plain selfishness at best.

Dating is like jumping in a scary, deep blue ocean… or is it?

Dating can be a tricky world to navigate. A place full of potential land mines that can blow up in your face, a place full of anxiety and fear: the fear of not being enough, the fear of failure, or the fear of being left alone. This may sound grim, but that is how many people tell me they experience dating.

So here’s the thing. In order to date you need to be able to flirt or in some way able to attract the attention of another single person. Not too much, and not too little, but just the right amount to generate interest. It has been said of Christian singles that they suck at flirting. Especially Christian single men who are often accused of being ‘passive’ and non-initiating, whereas Christian single women can be accused of being ‘too eager’ and over-initiating.